Into the Unknown
“I don’t know what my future holds, but I do know who holds my future.”
This was my high school senior quote. My original plan had probably been a movie or tv quote but this quote felt more representative of my struggle with not knowing what my future held for me and the attitude I was trying to adopt. Outside of studying and trying to find a formal dress, I spent a lot of time during the end of high school struggling with unanswered questions, uncertainty and the lingering sense of feeling lost. Sounds fun doesn’t it? I have the gift of over-analysis and sometimes struggle with indecision. A few too many cautionary tales from well-meaning elders, the media and agony aunt confessions have on occasion fuelled an inability to trust myself and my decision-making capabilities meaning that sometimes, I just avoid making the decision altogether. Some call it analysis paralysis, I call it thinking things through. In this situation, this effect meant that I spent more time wondering whether I had made the right choices in housing, degree and university than actually preparing for all that. These thoughts were valid, but they weren’t exactly healthy. Having now lived through the results of my decisions I know that I made the decisions that were right for me, and I wish I hadn’t worried so much but that’s hindsight for ya.
Almost four years after that super fun time, I’m back in that familiar place – feeling like all my major life decisions are ‘due’ all at once as I approach a whole new season of life. There’s something about endings and leaving comfort zones that sends chills down my spine. The funny thing is, the comfort zones I’m afraid of leaving are always places I was once afraid to venture into. Regardless, I have spent a lot of my time grappling with the uncertainty of my life thought it’s in the hands of a certain God. Leaps of faith are hard for me because I lack the faith needed to take them. I always try to find signs that I guess prove that the decision I’m about to make is the ‘right’ one, even when God presents them, I spend far too much of my time doubting him once more, just because I don’t know what’s on the other side of that big decision. Playing it safe or waiting for assurance before stepping into the unknown isn’t necessarily negative, but it’s definitely not faith. Faith is the confidence in what is hoped for or the evidence of what cannot be seen. My behaviour exhibits none of that. It’s in these moments of ambiguity and uncertainty where I’m reminded of my absolute dependence on God, and how much pressure that can release me from.
In his book ‘Everybody Always’, Bob Goff talks about green lights. Green lights represent the ‘go forward’ sign me and many others like to look for before taking the next step. I’m going to reference this book a lot here so you should really just read it for yourself. The chapter on all this was an integral part of me releasing myself from the pressure to always make the right decision or to even know what the ‘right’ decision in any situation is.
“Don’t ignore the green lights you already have. What delights you? What fires your imagination? What fills you with a deep sense of meaning and purpose? What draws you closer to God? What is going to last in your life and the lives of others? Do those things. They’re your green lights.”
One super fun thing about growing up is that I now know that there is no cheat sheet to life. Truth be told, I’ve spent too much of my time over analysing situations where there was no ‘wrong’ answer to begin with. To my past self, I would say, you don’t need as much confirmation as you think you do and let yourself have peace about the decision you’ve already made. When the idea that God trusts me was first presented to me, I didn’t like how it sat with me. It felt heretical and prideful and self-justifying. What this idea is really about though is learning to trust God and the instincts he’s given us. Most of us want more confirmation or green lights than we have or really need. As we grow and as life progresses, God uses our faith, our lives, our experiences and our communities to shape us. These things become the green lights we need to make good decisions. My over-analytical brain also overcomplicates really simple things, like this.
“We also have some guaranteed green lights that are always on: our noble desires; God’s clear instructions in the Bible to love everybody, always; His love for us; and the gift of each other. You can put a lot of weight on those and triangulate from there to figure out the rest of life’s unknowns.”
During a discussion at church on Matthew 6 vs. 25 to 34, I was reminded once again how futile my worries about the future are. You know when something comes up a few too many times for it to still be a coincidence? This has been one of those things. It’s taken me much longer than I would like to admit to realise that I can’t screw up my life that badly. Not only do I not have to navigate the ambiguity alone, I also don’t have to get it all right all at once. Life is made up of lots of little moments. One decision isn’t going to ruin my entire future and the key to a great life doesn’t depend on a single decision. That’s the reassurance I need. Back in Genesis, we see the Israelites do almost everything in their power to derail God’s plan for them and extend the duration of their journey to the promised land to 40 years. But they still make it, and the land of milk and honey is even more than anything they could have ever imagined. In the book of Jonah, we see Jonah run away and try his hardest to ignore God’s voice. Yet he ends up where he was meant to go, and does incredible things [even after being swallowed by a whale]. The bible teaches me that in life the happy ending you want isn’t always the one you need but it’ll still be beautiful...like in Disney Pixar movies.
For me, this is incredibly comforting and the result of this understanding is that I can go ahead and take the step that looks the most right to me. If things don’t work out, I understand that another decision and another moment will come, giving me the opportunity to make a better decision with the knowledge I now possess. At no crossroad in life will I be expected to make all my moves at once, just the next one. And then at some point, the next one. And so on and so forth. I don’t need to know what the results of a decision will be x years down the track, because there are so many other details to be worked out before that picture becomes clearer.
Many years since choosing it, I would like to expand on my senior quote. I don’t know what my future holds but I do know who holds my future and I’m choosing to trust him and the green lights he has given me. That’s all the confirmation I need as I walk into the unknown.
